Wednesday, December 17, 2008

December 26th is Boxing Day!

Hi all! Long time no read. It's Wednesday and boy am IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII drunk. I must apologize to all of you all, my loyal readers, but things have been positively dreadful here lately and I just couldn't bring myself to write.

I mean, let's face it. Between you and me we all know that things haven't been going that well, but fear not, I have hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day, at least for me anyway. For all of you? Probably not so much.

When you're an industry giant like myself, people look for you to succeed. Nay, they expect it, and all that pressure can really take a toll. Hence the drinking. Lots and lots and lots of drinking. Vodka mostly, but I must admit I sneak the occasional bottle of vanilla. Glenna says it makes my breath smell like cookies.

So you may be asking yourself, Hey Fake Doug, why so stressed? You're a titan of advertising, an innovator of the industry and a charmingly handsome devil. I mean, it says so right here in your press release.

I know, I know, I know, I know. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And boy, am I desperate. I've had to reevaluate a lot of things and consider any opportunity to maximize short term profits to secure the long term health of my vision. To put it another way, I'm willing to sell anything that isn't nailed down at this point. It's already started. Media, search, an Aeron chair here or there. You want a couple of hours with Christina Cave? Hey, make me an offer. Crazy Fake Doug will not be undersold.

Rand says I need to keep towing the line about partnering with other agencies and collaborating on blah blah blah. Fuck that. I basically just need all you meat puppets to stay long enough for me to bill out as much as possible before I sell you all off to the highest bidder. And don't get all Kunta Kinte on me. If you had somewhere else to go, you'd be there by now.

So I got thinking. This year I should do something nice. Something that says I haven't lost touch with the little guy. Something quintessentially Fake Doug. This year, I'm sending you all a gift. I'm pretty sure it'll arrive just after the holidays. Curious? Ok, ok, I'll give you a hint.

It's little. It's pink. And it says "You're _ired."

And, just in case you're wondering, I sold all of my H's.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

IMC2, now 20% more efficient!

By now, you all probably know that I'm a nut for creating eco-friendly, transformative and sustainable marketing solutions that will completely revolutionize the industry. I've hired some of the best and brightest minds to help me figure out how to transform imc2 into the worlds first carbon neutral ad agency. We've reduced paper use, eliminated anything that needs to be washed and instituted company wide flush rules in the bathrooms. (Remember people, if it's yellow let it mellow...)

But we still have a ways to go. It occurred to me during my zen time this morning that our biggest producer of carbon dioxide is our own damn employees. And my goodness if most of them aren't full of hot air. So today I've decided to announce our revolutionary plan to lower carbon emissions. We're releasing some of our employees back into the wild, where they can work and flourish on someone else's dime. Hell, half of these gas bags didn't even want to be here in the first place.

But Fake Doug, you say, those sound like layoffs. No, no, no. Layoffs are what other companies do. We're innovators. We lead the pack. That's why we didn't lay these employees off, we recycled them, giving them back to the marketplace where another company can milk value out of whatever hollow shell is left of their former selves.

Think about it. Just like an innovative, well designed and colorful package gets remade into a coffee tray for Starbucks, so too will my recycled receptacles go on to get coffee for their new leaders in their new organizations.

Of course, I also had to recycle all the people I hired to help me make this transformation in the first place. But, you know what they say. Buy a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime.

Just be prepared for him to kill you and take your pole.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The First Rule of Fight Club

Whew, have I been busy. I'd apologize for the lack of postings lately, but you should all just be happy to bask in my brilliance whenever you can. But, for the record, it's hard being the unique innovator and change agent transforming both the world of marketing and the landscape of satirical blogging. I mean, this shit doesn't exactly write itself. Ok most of the time it does, but you get the idea.

You may have noticed I've been spending large amounts of time in the zen rooms lately, but I've really needed to focus. When you have a company like mine that runs like a swiss watch, it's important to take time and try to really figure out what the next set of challenges may be, and then proactively try to solve them. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I just can't stand to be around this place any more. It's so damn depressing. I hear you all grumbling, complaining, staring at me with your dagger like eyes. What could you possibly be miserable about? Where else are you going to be able to spend all your waking hours working in a zero accountability environment where even the most incompetent loser has a chance of rising to the top? Maybe it's time I stopped feeding the hand that bites me.

So that got me thinking, it's high time you all learned who's boss around here. Enough with the blog posts, the snarky IM's, the mocking forwards to all your friends of my company wide emails. Enough I say. I don't ask much of you, do I? Come to work, quietly do your job, and love me fully, completely and without question. And since it seems you all can't be proactive enough to take the initiative and love me on your own then I'll just have to fucking make you love me.

I called Marc and told him "Dude, we need to get these fuckers in line, grab our lawyers and be in my office in 5 minutes. I have a plan." 30 seconds later Marc comes in, alone. I'll never understand it, but he always does that. I can tell him 5 minutes, 10 minutes, whatever, but the guy always comes in 30 seconds.

"Where are the Lawyers?" I ask. He reminds me that lawyers charge by the second and since we're a tad low on cash at the moment, he'd like to hear the plan first. It's time to get these asshats in line. I want everyone in this company to sign a document pledging their allegiance to me. No more negativity, no more questioning my decisions. Hell, I want to be able to sue their pants off if I don't like how they're looking at each other. Marc felt we probably couldn't afford to have anybody with a law degree write something like that.

Fuck that. I'll write it. He's so small minded sometimes. It doesn't need to be legally binding, we just need to scare them into thinking it is. Besides, based on what I'm paying these clowns they wouldn't be able to afford a real lawyer anyway. And, it has the added benefit of creating new revenue streams for the business, and we need to try and make money somehow. It's perfect. But then again I'm not surprised. It's yet another example of my genius.

Fake Doug Levy. Putting the fee back in confidentiality.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Today's word

The word of the day is "Blowhole."

There is no spoon

I had one of those giant circular fish tanks put in at the house the other day. You know the kind, floor to ceiling salt water, all kinds of exotic fish. I filled it with various colorful creatures, but my crown jewel is a small Bala Shark I affectionately named Hensley. Although it's the oddest thing. Everyone told me this kind of shark was docile, but each morning I come out and there's another half eaten carcass at the bottom of the tank. I know its her. I can always tell which fish she's angling to eat because she always seems to act nice to it for a while, but then when I'm not looking, chomp chomp. I tap my finger on the glass like 'I know it's you' but she just looks back at me with those cold, lifeless eyes.

Aquarian homicide aside, fish tanks remind me of that movie The Matrix, you know, one completely artificial reality contained within another. I watch it all the time, but, am I the only one who roots for the machines? I mean, they provide a world for the humans to live in, thrive in and have their needs met and all they have to do is just lay there. My wife and I have had this arrangement for years and it's worked out just fine, why do these fucksticks feel the need to get all uppity? To make matters worse, that miscreant Neo hacks into the system and starts breeding all sorts of discontent, encouraging people to leave their jobs, broadcasting messages of how their insignificant lives will be better, blah blah blah. If those fuckers knew how good they had it, they would jam those probes back into their meager little skulls and thank their lucky stars to have such benevolent masters. I would have shut the whole damn system down and started over, but hey, I'm a nose to spite my face kind of guy.

Perhaps there are ways I can bring some automation into my own little matrix. After all, machines do what they're told, right? I did some poking around the net and I think I've at least
found replacements for most of our account staff, I'm guessing many of our clients wouldn't even realize we made the switch, and as an added bonus, they're completely reusable. Now THAT'S what I call sustainable marketing!

Friday, September 19, 2008

See, it's not all bad

With everything going on lately I forgot to share some good news. You probably heard, but if not, I'm proud to announce we made some hires for the NY office. If you didn't get the press release you can read about it here

I know what you're thinking and it's true. It's not that often you see rats swimming towards a sinking ship.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm addicted to Mad Men

It's true. I watch that shit religiously. You would think that a show set in the 50's couldn't really teach much to an industry icon like myself, but after watching Don Draper in action, I'm totally inspired. He has this little intercom buzzer on his desk, to call his secretary (his girl, as they say on the show) and I'll never forget this one scene where he buzzes her.. "yes, Mr. Draper?" and then he fires her. God that made me hot. New rule. From now on everybody calls me Fake Mr. Levy. And I'm having those buzzers installed on every desk. This probably means I can get rid of most of the HR group and I can't think of a better way to break in those buzzers. I believe that is the epitome of the term "win-win."

Anyway, sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I've been completely absorbed with the presidential race. I stay up all night watching CNN to get my fill, and I'm totally smitten for John McCain. I've never thought one person could be so awe inspiring and that I would so completely identify with him.

Ability to change his story whenever it fits? Check. Lies to large crowds with a straight face? Double check. Female rottweiler of a #2 who will stab anyone in the back to get ahead? Triple-A fucking check. It's like I'm looking in the philosophical mirror.

I've never had illusions of being anything more than the greatest marketer that ever lived, but if Johnny Mac holds serve, I'm totally going to run. Levy/Hecht in 2016!

So I'm up late last night re-watching the McCain nomination speech on my Tivo when my cell rings. It was Alan and he starts blabbing on about how he's quitting and how the time is right and honestly I can't stand when he goes on like this because between you and me he's quit like 10 times already.

So I tell him, Alan, buddy, you can't leave. Who's better than you? Nobody, thats who. That shit you do in pitches with your giant Slurpee? Classic. Clients eat that shit up. It's like you're so cool you can't even be bothered to care. You're the Amy fucking Winehouse of marketing.

I quickly text Glenna. Code Red. The Walrus is defecting. You would think I'd be more worried about this than I am, but hey, when people leave here on a daily fucking basis you kind if get used to it. In any event I'll need to find a replacement post haste. The secret to finding a good ECD is straightforward enough, just find someone who can spout off as many buzz words as possible. Clients love that. Plus, you need someone who is bat shit arrogant and never misses an opportunity to take credit for other people's work. It makes other creatives try harder. You'd think those would be hard shoes to fill,
but I know just the guy. As an added bonus, he tends to talk about himself in the 3rd person. I tried that for a while... Fake Doug is going to change marketing.... Fake Doug cares about you... Fake Doug thinks your services are no longer needed. Turns out I don't have the voice to pull it off. Apparently, it's all in the inflection.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Just an FYI

Jerry Falwell, an American religious leader, sued a magazine after it published a biting satire of Falwell that mocked his piety. Indeed, a state of Virginia jury awarded Falwell $200,000 after concluding that the magazine had inflicted "emotional distress" on the well-known clergyman. But the U.S. Supreme Court later threw out the award by explaining that satire, no matter how scathing and upsetting to its target, was protected by the First Amendment.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Olympic fever! Catch it!

So tired this morning. It's my own damn fault, I mean, I stayed up most of the night watching the Mens' water polo team in China. Damn those boys are fine. If I weren't in the middle of completely transforming the world of marketing I would totally get tickets. I love the olympics. The dedication, the passion, and the best part is that nobody needs to pay them. I wish we had more people like that around here, blindly dedicated and completely uncompensated. Imagine the things I could do then.

So you may have heard we won a little gold medal of our own recently. You can read about it
here. I love new clients. They're so wide eyed and expectant, like virgins on their wedding night. And then we defile them. But early on they're so happy they can barely contain themselves. I mean they are getting to work with us, right?

Case in point, here's a quote from our newest pigeon at Freeman, Tony Purdy. "When imc2 shared its strategic thinking and creative concepts with us, they not only hit the ball over the fence, they hit it out of the ballpark"

Now, I'm not much of a sports guy so the football analogy is lost on me but, aren't those two things the same? I don't know. Alan says we should just be happy we finally reeled one in. I thought we had no shot on this given how unprepared we were, but Alan said not to worry. "If you can't dazzle them with dexterity," he told me "you need to baffle them with bullshit." And my goodness does that man practice what he preaches.

He's coming down soon to celebrate and to get some face time with the creatives. To be honest, he kind of reminds me of that guy from Star Wars, you know Jabba the Hut, except that instead of Leia and that frog hookah Jabba uses Alan has one paw on my admins ass and another grappled around some 128 ounce diet coke monstrosity from 7-11. Who drinks that much diet coke? Seriously, every time I see him all I can think about is Jabba wearing a backwards Kangol hat and a t shirt with the sleeves cut off. It's really distracting.

But I digress. Marc just came in and let me know I have a few things to attend to immediately. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to think for everyone, but I guess thats the burden of genius. For most of you, have a happy Friday and remember it's pay day. For the rest of you, well, there are extra boxes in the copy room. You should totally let me know if you need a reference.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Catching up on some email

Ah Thursday's. How I love them so. Most people look forward to Friday and the end of the week. Not me. Friday tends to be pretty hectic for me around here. In the mornings I need to go over to the accounting group and decide which freelancers we're going to hold off paying and after that I have to walk around the office and glad hand the schleps in the studio. I swear all this pretending to care is exhausting. 

But not on Thursdays. No sir. Thursdays are set aside for some me time. I roll in around 8:30 and hit the zen room. I usually need a good hour to get my head on straight. After that it's over to my office and I spend the morning catching up on emails. Not my emails mind you, no no. I do that all week. Thursdays are my day to read employee emails. Man is that fun.

Of course if there's anything critical happening, Glenna brings that to me right away. Can't let those little fuckers get too restless, you know? I remember this one time how those idiots in the NY office were griping to each other about how their office sucks and they get left out of things and wah wah wah. Whiners. Don't they realize I'm giving them an oasis from that God forsaken hell hole of a city they live in?

Glenna burst into my office in a panic. "I think we have a problem, we really should think about how we can improve morale up there" she said. It's hard to tell when she's kidding or serious because her face is that strange orange color, but the furrow of her eyebrows gave her away. As soon as she knew I was on to her we both burst out laughing.

"I almost had you there" she said, practically crying with laughter. "Improve morale...." We laughed about that one for weeks.

But back to the task at hand. Scan the emails, read the IM's. Look over the report on who's posted their resume where... Man, lots of unhappy employees. It may be time for another town hall. I love those. Rand came up with the idea actually. Hold a meeting and call it an 'open forum' and ask for questions. Give some half assed explanations about problems within the company and ask for feedback, then sit back and find out who all the dissidents are. It really helps weed out the bad apples. Glenna and I then put their names on a list and in a few weeks we find a reason to get rid of them. Usually we call it a layoff, but sometimes not.

Rand is fucking brilliant about stuff like this. He comes up with these Jedi mind tricks all the time. He's got this thing called the drama triangle. It's basically a bunch of buzzwords that make the group believe that anyone who complains is emotionally broken and shouldn't be trusted. The more you bitch, the less functional you become. We've gotten it to the point where anyone who complains usually gets vilified by members of their own team. It's so obviously Orwellian I'm surprised no one has figured it out. That's the brilliance of Rand. Fuck them right in their own assholes. I swear, if he were working for the Germans in the 1940's the Jews would have been killing

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

We're Hiring!

Ok, I admit it. I'm a glass half full kind of guy. All this talk about layoffs and firings blah blah blah has gotten me down lately, but when God closes a door....

So I was sitting in an interview with some candidate for Vice President of Recreational Services and Glenna was doing her thing of peering into my office to see how things were going when it hit me. Firings mean hirings. And if anyone is in a position to hire, I mean really fucking hire, it's us.

I got so excited I cut the interview short, which was ok, cause we were going to hire her anyway. We always hire the first person who comes in. Rand says that the first person in line is always the most qualified, and I never question Rand.

I waved Glenna in and asked her to gather up all the recruiters so I can give them one of my signature pep talks, IMC is going on a hiring binge!

Glenna quickly reminded me we fired all the recruiters. Whatever. They sucked anyway. We don't need recruiters, we're imc2. People are fucking dying to work here.

Anyway, if you know anyone, let us know. We pretty much have openings in every office in every city. Nothing too urgent though. Except now that I think about it we could use a new CFO. I had to fire the last one. For cause of course, no layoff for Mr. Lavey.

I mean, how hard can it be to be a CFO here? I kept telling him, if you can't cook the books for a company like ours, you must be a fucking moron. Do you even know math? Those guys at Enron hid tons of things from the government for years, and they were pushing billions around. You hear that Mike? Billions. With a fucking "B."

I know we're a top digital agency and all, but it's not like there's THAT much money to screw with. Can't have everyone thinking we're insolvent. So I fired him. Good riddance. Honestly. Sometimes it feels like amateur hour around here.

Sorry to digress but if you know anyone looking to work at the greatest company on earth, let me know.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The ghosts of Christmas past

Ian and I were sitting in the Zen room yesterday trying to clear our heads of all the negative energy flowing around this place lately, and try as I might, I just couldn't stop thinking about all those people we fired. I mean they sucked and we had to get rid of them, but still, why are they all so, you know, angry?

It's really bothering me, like day and night bothering me so I thought a good sit in the zen room would help. No dice. Even my double soy chai tea doesn't even soothe my nerves like it should. I just keep seeing all those faces and thinking "Why the hell did we hire you all in the first place, you ungrateful pricks?"

Don't they know that his is the best place they'll ever work? Don't they see how we're changing the way marketing is done? We're visionaries here people. If you want to make an omelet and all that.

Ian tried to calm me down by explaining to me they're just all feeling jilted, like when you're dating a really hot girl and you're just an average looking guy and she leaves you and starts sleeping with half the football team and you have to go to the prom and see her here in that slutty red dress and...

Honestly I just tuned him out after that. Note to self. No more getting high with Ian before hitting the zen room. He loses focus too easily. Come back to me buddy, we're talking about me here, ok?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

What's all the fuss about?

So a bunch of my former minions are creating quite a stir. See here. 

Honestly, I don't understand what the problem is. What part of "Advancing Relationships" don't these little shits understand? Didn't they learn anything under my tutelage? Didn't they grow like flowers in my garden while they were here? I certainly fertilized them enough.

They piss and moan about all the hours they put in and how they're over worked, well, that business didn't win itself. You know how many cocks I had to suck to get those meetings in the first place? My jaw hurts just thinking about it.

So some of them got you got fired. At least I hired the best damn HR staff to do all that axing. Do you know how hard it is to find someone who works in HR that looks like Leatherface? It took weeks, but totally adds to the intimidation factor. It may not have been pretty but by God they were canned by professionals.

And what's the big deal about the business we're losing anyway. Didn't hitler say it was better to have won and lost than to never have won at all? Look on the bright side, years from now they can all be proud to look back on this time and tell their friends about how they worked for an agency that was fired by some of the biggest companies in the world. Good luck being able to say that at whatever bullshit job you get next. Losers.