Thursday, October 23, 2008

IMC2, now 20% more efficient!

By now, you all probably know that I'm a nut for creating eco-friendly, transformative and sustainable marketing solutions that will completely revolutionize the industry. I've hired some of the best and brightest minds to help me figure out how to transform imc2 into the worlds first carbon neutral ad agency. We've reduced paper use, eliminated anything that needs to be washed and instituted company wide flush rules in the bathrooms. (Remember people, if it's yellow let it mellow...)

But we still have a ways to go. It occurred to me during my zen time this morning that our biggest producer of carbon dioxide is our own damn employees. And my goodness if most of them aren't full of hot air. So today I've decided to announce our revolutionary plan to lower carbon emissions. We're releasing some of our employees back into the wild, where they can work and flourish on someone else's dime. Hell, half of these gas bags didn't even want to be here in the first place.

But Fake Doug, you say, those sound like layoffs. No, no, no. Layoffs are what other companies do. We're innovators. We lead the pack. That's why we didn't lay these employees off, we recycled them, giving them back to the marketplace where another company can milk value out of whatever hollow shell is left of their former selves.

Think about it. Just like an innovative, well designed and colorful package gets remade into a coffee tray for Starbucks, so too will my recycled receptacles go on to get coffee for their new leaders in their new organizations.

Of course, I also had to recycle all the people I hired to help me make this transformation in the first place. But, you know what they say. Buy a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime.

Just be prepared for him to kill you and take your pole.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The First Rule of Fight Club

Whew, have I been busy. I'd apologize for the lack of postings lately, but you should all just be happy to bask in my brilliance whenever you can. But, for the record, it's hard being the unique innovator and change agent transforming both the world of marketing and the landscape of satirical blogging. I mean, this shit doesn't exactly write itself. Ok most of the time it does, but you get the idea.

You may have noticed I've been spending large amounts of time in the zen rooms lately, but I've really needed to focus. When you have a company like mine that runs like a swiss watch, it's important to take time and try to really figure out what the next set of challenges may be, and then proactively try to solve them. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I just can't stand to be around this place any more. It's so damn depressing. I hear you all grumbling, complaining, staring at me with your dagger like eyes. What could you possibly be miserable about? Where else are you going to be able to spend all your waking hours working in a zero accountability environment where even the most incompetent loser has a chance of rising to the top? Maybe it's time I stopped feeding the hand that bites me.

So that got me thinking, it's high time you all learned who's boss around here. Enough with the blog posts, the snarky IM's, the mocking forwards to all your friends of my company wide emails. Enough I say. I don't ask much of you, do I? Come to work, quietly do your job, and love me fully, completely and without question. And since it seems you all can't be proactive enough to take the initiative and love me on your own then I'll just have to fucking make you love me.

I called Marc and told him "Dude, we need to get these fuckers in line, grab our lawyers and be in my office in 5 minutes. I have a plan." 30 seconds later Marc comes in, alone. I'll never understand it, but he always does that. I can tell him 5 minutes, 10 minutes, whatever, but the guy always comes in 30 seconds.

"Where are the Lawyers?" I ask. He reminds me that lawyers charge by the second and since we're a tad low on cash at the moment, he'd like to hear the plan first. It's time to get these asshats in line. I want everyone in this company to sign a document pledging their allegiance to me. No more negativity, no more questioning my decisions. Hell, I want to be able to sue their pants off if I don't like how they're looking at each other. Marc felt we probably couldn't afford to have anybody with a law degree write something like that.

Fuck that. I'll write it. He's so small minded sometimes. It doesn't need to be legally binding, we just need to scare them into thinking it is. Besides, based on what I'm paying these clowns they wouldn't be able to afford a real lawyer anyway. And, it has the added benefit of creating new revenue streams for the business, and we need to try and make money somehow. It's perfect. But then again I'm not surprised. It's yet another example of my genius.

Fake Doug Levy. Putting the fee back in confidentiality.