Thursday, October 23, 2008

IMC2, now 20% more efficient!

By now, you all probably know that I'm a nut for creating eco-friendly, transformative and sustainable marketing solutions that will completely revolutionize the industry. I've hired some of the best and brightest minds to help me figure out how to transform imc2 into the worlds first carbon neutral ad agency. We've reduced paper use, eliminated anything that needs to be washed and instituted company wide flush rules in the bathrooms. (Remember people, if it's yellow let it mellow...)

But we still have a ways to go. It occurred to me during my zen time this morning that our biggest producer of carbon dioxide is our own damn employees. And my goodness if most of them aren't full of hot air. So today I've decided to announce our revolutionary plan to lower carbon emissions. We're releasing some of our employees back into the wild, where they can work and flourish on someone else's dime. Hell, half of these gas bags didn't even want to be here in the first place.

But Fake Doug, you say, those sound like layoffs. No, no, no. Layoffs are what other companies do. We're innovators. We lead the pack. That's why we didn't lay these employees off, we recycled them, giving them back to the marketplace where another company can milk value out of whatever hollow shell is left of their former selves.

Think about it. Just like an innovative, well designed and colorful package gets remade into a coffee tray for Starbucks, so too will my recycled receptacles go on to get coffee for their new leaders in their new organizations.

Of course, I also had to recycle all the people I hired to help me make this transformation in the first place. But, you know what they say. Buy a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you'll feed him for a lifetime.

Just be prepared for him to kill you and take your pole.

No comments: