Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Today's word

The word of the day is "Blowhole."

There is no spoon

I had one of those giant circular fish tanks put in at the house the other day. You know the kind, floor to ceiling salt water, all kinds of exotic fish. I filled it with various colorful creatures, but my crown jewel is a small Bala Shark I affectionately named Hensley. Although it's the oddest thing. Everyone told me this kind of shark was docile, but each morning I come out and there's another half eaten carcass at the bottom of the tank. I know its her. I can always tell which fish she's angling to eat because she always seems to act nice to it for a while, but then when I'm not looking, chomp chomp. I tap my finger on the glass like 'I know it's you' but she just looks back at me with those cold, lifeless eyes.

Aquarian homicide aside, fish tanks remind me of that movie The Matrix, you know, one completely artificial reality contained within another. I watch it all the time, but, am I the only one who roots for the machines? I mean, they provide a world for the humans to live in, thrive in and have their needs met and all they have to do is just lay there. My wife and I have had this arrangement for years and it's worked out just fine, why do these fucksticks feel the need to get all uppity? To make matters worse, that miscreant Neo hacks into the system and starts breeding all sorts of discontent, encouraging people to leave their jobs, broadcasting messages of how their insignificant lives will be better, blah blah blah. If those fuckers knew how good they had it, they would jam those probes back into their meager little skulls and thank their lucky stars to have such benevolent masters. I would have shut the whole damn system down and started over, but hey, I'm a nose to spite my face kind of guy.

Perhaps there are ways I can bring some automation into my own little matrix. After all, machines do what they're told, right? I did some poking around the net and I think I've at least
found replacements for most of our account staff, I'm guessing many of our clients wouldn't even realize we made the switch, and as an added bonus, they're completely reusable. Now THAT'S what I call sustainable marketing!

Friday, September 19, 2008

See, it's not all bad

With everything going on lately I forgot to share some good news. You probably heard, but if not, I'm proud to announce we made some hires for the NY office. If you didn't get the press release you can read about it here

I know what you're thinking and it's true. It's not that often you see rats swimming towards a sinking ship.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I'm addicted to Mad Men

It's true. I watch that shit religiously. You would think that a show set in the 50's couldn't really teach much to an industry icon like myself, but after watching Don Draper in action, I'm totally inspired. He has this little intercom buzzer on his desk, to call his secretary (his girl, as they say on the show) and I'll never forget this one scene where he buzzes her.. "yes, Mr. Draper?" and then he fires her. God that made me hot. New rule. From now on everybody calls me Fake Mr. Levy. And I'm having those buzzers installed on every desk. This probably means I can get rid of most of the HR group and I can't think of a better way to break in those buzzers. I believe that is the epitome of the term "win-win."

Anyway, sorry for the lack of posts lately, but I've been completely absorbed with the presidential race. I stay up all night watching CNN to get my fill, and I'm totally smitten for John McCain. I've never thought one person could be so awe inspiring and that I would so completely identify with him.

Ability to change his story whenever it fits? Check. Lies to large crowds with a straight face? Double check. Female rottweiler of a #2 who will stab anyone in the back to get ahead? Triple-A fucking check. It's like I'm looking in the philosophical mirror.

I've never had illusions of being anything more than the greatest marketer that ever lived, but if Johnny Mac holds serve, I'm totally going to run. Levy/Hecht in 2016!

So I'm up late last night re-watching the McCain nomination speech on my Tivo when my cell rings. It was Alan and he starts blabbing on about how he's quitting and how the time is right and honestly I can't stand when he goes on like this because between you and me he's quit like 10 times already.

So I tell him, Alan, buddy, you can't leave. Who's better than you? Nobody, thats who. That shit you do in pitches with your giant Slurpee? Classic. Clients eat that shit up. It's like you're so cool you can't even be bothered to care. You're the Amy fucking Winehouse of marketing.

I quickly text Glenna. Code Red. The Walrus is defecting. You would think I'd be more worried about this than I am, but hey, when people leave here on a daily fucking basis you kind if get used to it. In any event I'll need to find a replacement post haste. The secret to finding a good ECD is straightforward enough, just find someone who can spout off as many buzz words as possible. Clients love that. Plus, you need someone who is bat shit arrogant and never misses an opportunity to take credit for other people's work. It makes other creatives try harder. You'd think those would be hard shoes to fill,
but I know just the guy. As an added bonus, he tends to talk about himself in the 3rd person. I tried that for a while... Fake Doug is going to change marketing.... Fake Doug cares about you... Fake Doug thinks your services are no longer needed. Turns out I don't have the voice to pull it off. Apparently, it's all in the inflection.