Wednesday, December 17, 2008

December 26th is Boxing Day!

Hi all! Long time no read. It's Wednesday and boy am IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII drunk. I must apologize to all of you all, my loyal readers, but things have been positively dreadful here lately and I just couldn't bring myself to write.

I mean, let's face it. Between you and me we all know that things haven't been going that well, but fear not, I have hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day, at least for me anyway. For all of you? Probably not so much.

When you're an industry giant like myself, people look for you to succeed. Nay, they expect it, and all that pressure can really take a toll. Hence the drinking. Lots and lots and lots of drinking. Vodka mostly, but I must admit I sneak the occasional bottle of vanilla. Glenna says it makes my breath smell like cookies.

So you may be asking yourself, Hey Fake Doug, why so stressed? You're a titan of advertising, an innovator of the industry and a charmingly handsome devil. I mean, it says so right here in your press release.

I know, I know, I know, I know. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And boy, am I desperate. I've had to reevaluate a lot of things and consider any opportunity to maximize short term profits to secure the long term health of my vision. To put it another way, I'm willing to sell anything that isn't nailed down at this point. It's already started. Media, search, an Aeron chair here or there. You want a couple of hours with Christina Cave? Hey, make me an offer. Crazy Fake Doug will not be undersold.

Rand says I need to keep towing the line about partnering with other agencies and collaborating on blah blah blah. Fuck that. I basically just need all you meat puppets to stay long enough for me to bill out as much as possible before I sell you all off to the highest bidder. And don't get all Kunta Kinte on me. If you had somewhere else to go, you'd be there by now.

So I got thinking. This year I should do something nice. Something that says I haven't lost touch with the little guy. Something quintessentially Fake Doug. This year, I'm sending you all a gift. I'm pretty sure it'll arrive just after the holidays. Curious? Ok, ok, I'll give you a hint.

It's little. It's pink. And it says "You're _ired."

And, just in case you're wondering, I sold all of my H's.