Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Fake Doug's Identity Revealed!

I can't leave you people alone for 5 minutes can I? Seriously, can’t a guy take a little break to reset his chakra without you people getting all bent about it? Man. Get lives people. And as for those miserable bleating sheep that work here, well, looks like some more "unlimited vacations" are in order.

As you may have noticed, we've had lots of employees taking unlimited vacations lately. So much so that we even had to change offices. It was getting to be like a mausoleum up in this place. For those who will never claw your grubby little talons to the level of importance of Fake Doug, let me tell you… the process of moving a company, even a game-changing one like ours, is a real bitch.

Do you know how hard it is to outfit a commercial building with military grade surveillance equipment? What a pain in the ass. But like I always say in public, nothing but the best for my team. Motion detectors, those full body scanners like they have at the airports. Oh, and the cameras in the bathrooms were my idea too. You're welcome, Ian! I even have a scanner to tell me when someone is thinking negative thoughts.

So what happens when someone dares to think anything but the best about Fake Doug you ask? I send them for some counseling time with the Department of Reconciliation of course. That’s what we’re calling HR now. I got the idea about renaming it from the "unlimited vacations" guy. Fucking brilliant. I tried to send him an organic fruit basket to say thank you, but I was told he was taking some time off.

So that got me thinking... Fake Doug isn't just trying to merely win business. No, no. Thinking small like that is for morons like you. No, we're trying to win in the relationship era.  And winning in the relationship era means me having more relationships than you. Or is it by destroying your relationships? I get confused. Regardless. By my calculations, low score wins!

To be the best relationship-sustainable-green-authentic-bieber-loving-paradigm-defining-purpose-driven-insights-leading-can-someone-from-marketing-fill-in-all-the-other-buzz-words-we-typically-use-please-I’m-getting-tired-of-typing-agency, we launched a spunky new brand. I’m sure you’ve seen it, as it's creating quite a stir. I originally had real problems with it, because everyone knows Americans are terrible at math. What am I, Asian? Where does one get helicopter parents anyway?

But I digress. When Cassius Clay changed his name it was because of his devout belief in the religion of Islam.  So too, we are changing our name because of our beliefs. But why stop there? If Ali could bow down and worship his god, so to can we. And by we, I mean all of you. So following Ali’s example, I’ve asked the Department of Reconciliation to convert all of the Zen rooms into Devotion Centers. From now on, you’ll be required to bow down and thank Fake Doug for providing you such a spiritually fulfilling work experience at least 3 times a day.  For those of you who have spent your careers on your knees, this will be right up your alley. For everyone else, don’t worry. The scar tissue builds up after a while. Just keep praying repeatedly, “Fake Doug values me. Fake Doug values me. Fake Doug values me.” Since I will be monitoring your devotion time from my new state-of-the-art surveillance center, who knows, your devotion might just be rewarded with a chance to kiss my rings. Think of it as a high five for your soul.

Being the transformative figure that I am, I need a new name, too. And not just any name, but one that truly typifies the visionary and industry game-changer that I am. After all, you don’t get to be Fake Doug by merely thinking outside the box. You get there by missing the box entirely!

Wouldn’t you know it though? Coming up with a transformative name is hard. But if anyone can supply the genius required it’s me. So I went to the sauna to meditate. That’s when it hit me.  Mere words can’t describe a god-like presence like mine, that's for the little folk. No, Fake Doug needs something that transcends the limitations ordinary people have to deal with like logic and reason. Fake Doug needs something symbolic. Something emotive. So from now on, the artist formerly known as Fake Doug will henceforth be referred to as “÷”

Former Fake Doug, I told myself, genius as usual.